“My child with ADHD won’t listen”: Why telling them to “stand still” won’t help
How many times a week do you catch yourself saying one of the following phrases to your children: “Stand still when I’m talking to you”, “Stop what you’re doing and listen”, or “Look at me so that I know you’re listening”? While these instructions come from a place of good intentions, for children with ADHD they are often counterproductive. Understanding the way ADHD impacts your child’s ability to process information can shed light on why these common directives aren’t working, and what you could try instead.
1. Understanding ADHD
ADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects how children focus, control their behaviour, and regulate their activity levels. Their brains process sensory information differently, such as auditory and visual input and awareness of their body movements. This can lead to challenges in maintaining concentration, especially in more passive situations such as being given verbal instructions.
2. Movement is a Coping Mechanism
For many children with ADHD, fidgeting or moving around is essential in order for them to concentrate. This is because a child with ADHD has an under-stimulated nervous system and movement helps create the stimulation needed to improve focus.
To explain this better, I want you to think about how you feel in those first few moments of waking up in the morning – Foggy? Dazed? A bit disorientated perhaps? Now imagine in that moment I need to give you some very important instructions – would you be able to focus more effectively if you lay still in bed while I gave them, or if I allowed you to get up and move around for five minutes first? This is how a child with ADHD can feel throughout their whole day.
3. Anxiety and Pressure
Constantly being told to "stand still" creates a pressure to conform to expectations that are genuinely challenging for children with ADHD. They can start to feel like there is something ‘wrong’ with them because they can’t do this ‘normal’ behaviour that seemingly everyone else can, which leads to feelings of anxiety about future scenarios where they are expected to listen. These feelings will often lead to outward displays of frustration and anger, shutting down, or disengagement from the conversation altogether. A more supportive approach, which acknowledges their need to move, can foster a more positive environment for communication.
4. Alternative Strategies
Instead of insisting they stand still, consider these alternatives:
Incorporate Movement: Use activities that involve light movement, such as walking side by side or letting the child play with a fidget toy while talking to them. Some children might need more intensive input such as bouncing on a gym ball or hanging upside down over the end of the couch during your conversation. Of course, sometimes movement can lead to distraction and loss of focus – it may take some trial and error to find which activities improve your child’s focus the most effectively.
Reduce Competing Stimuli: Children with ADHD have difficulty filtering out different sensory input and knowing which input to tune in to. So if you want your voice to be the main thing they focus on you need to remove as many competing stimuli as possible. Turn off the TV, tablet or radio, make sure there isn’t something more exciting happening outside the window behind you, let them take off that jumper they have been saying is too itchy all day. You may even need to take your child somewhere different to help them focus.
Use Visual Aids: Even if you remove all competing stimuli, your child may still get distracted by their own thoughts inside their head. Using visual aids will not only improve the engagement and focus during the conversation, but can also be a tool to help them remember what was discussed later on. Visual aids might include written instructions, pictures, or social stories.
Set Clear Expectations: Explain the importance of the conversation in a way that resonates with them, helping them understand the purpose behind the discussion. For example, we need to discuss whether you’ve packed everything you need for this trip, so you don’t have to miss out on any of the fun activities.
Create a Comfortable Space: Allow them to choose where they feel most comfortable talking, whether it’s jumping on the trampoline or sitting in a beanbag while playing with a fidget toy.
Check That It Works: Ask your child to summarise what you said. You will be surprised how much they are able to retain even when it appears they aren’t concentrating.
Conclusion: Embrace Differences to Foster Connections
Every child is unique, and those with ADHD will thrive in environments that recognise and celebrate their differences. We need to embrace our children’s need for movement and find ways to connect with them that accommodate their natural behaviours. By adapting our communication styles to be more inclusive, we not only improve their engagement but also help them feel valued and understood. And feeling understood is what fosters meaningful relationships and connection, which in turn creates ease for future communication. After all, effective communication is about more than just words; it’s about connection and understanding.